Good day! I’ve challenged myself to get this post done ion less time than usual. The goal is to eventually turn out a good post in half an hour. It’s normal for me to spend an hour on a single post. Sometimes it takes longer, depending how analytical I’m feeling that day. This doesn’t really work with my schedule, so I got out my timer and decided to make a change. I apologize ahead of time if this one is even more splotchy than usual.
If you were here last week, you already know that I wrote two versions of the same scene and that I need some help choosing which version to keep in the draft. If you can’t remember the build up to the scene, you can read it here. If you missed last week, you can read it here. Thanks for helping me out with this!!!
Before we begin, let us pause to thank our lovely hostess K.L. Schwengel. (Because if we don’t we might find flying monkey mess in some unpleasant places.) Today’s post is the date minus the 1 from 2014 for a total of 10 paragraphs.
Oya appeared next to Arvid, an arrow aimed at the blank wall on the other side of the bed. Arvid took a deep breath. The scratching and howling grew more frenzied. A claw broke through, then a fang. Oya aimed and shot. She missed. Her arms shook too much to hit her mark. A paw thrust through the growing hole. Arvid rushed forward and struck at it. It pulled back before her blade could bite. She lifted her sword, ready to strike again.
The noise stopped. Arvid stood with her sword raised. She sent a questioning glance to Oya. Oya shook her head and strung another arrow. They focused on the hole, waiting. Silence wound in on itself like a snake coiling to strike. No cricket chirped, no mouse scurried. Arvid held her breath and wished she could still her heart and the terror crawling up and down her spine.
The door to the room screed open with slow, agonizing casualness. Oya swung her arrow to cover it. Arvid glanced, but forced her attention onto the hole, braced for a double attack.
“Oh dear. Am I disturbing a game?”
Arvid’s head jerked toward the Grandmother. “What?”
“It’s very late, you know, girls, and,” she noticed the hole in the wall, “Tsk, tsk. You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves, putting a hole in my wall. You’ll have to mend it.”
“But- but,” Oya let her arrow droop, “we heard noises. And there was a claw.”
“Oh, a claw! Yes. I suppose there would be. Well, well, I forgive you.” The old woman patted Oya on the shoulder, “Put away your toys now. I’m sure it won’t take long to mend.” With that, she shuffled back to her own room.
Arvid walked several feet away from her bed. “Toys?”
Oya let herself collapse onto the floor. “Toys.”
So what does everyone think?
A huge thanks to everyone for helping me out! I don’t have any exciting incentives to pass out, but here’s a fun little video. Enjoy!
It’s very interesting…the battling of the creature and how the girls see it as a threat (I concur) vs. Grandmother’s casual reaction, and her labeling of their weapons as toys. Makes me very, very curious.
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Hmm… so does that mean you like this one better? Or just that it’s more thought-provoking?
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Love your vivid imagery: “Silence wound in on itself like a snake coiling to strike.” I agree that the Grandmother’s strange reaction creates an interesting twist.
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Thanks! I kind of like that line myself. 🙂
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Definitely a different feel here. Both girls seem to be acting more in character to what I’d expect, uncertain but determined to defend themselves. A good piece, ReGi
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Thank you!
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Oh, dear. Well, I voted for the first one (because I really, really like the monsterlings). But I like this too! Sigh. I can see why it’s a tough choice. If you use this one, will the monsterlings appear later on?
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Yes!!! There’s a scene coming up which may eventually kick both this and Aagh! 1.0 out of the book altogether because I want it to have a strong impact. We’ll see, though. Either way, the monsterlings get quite a bit of page-time.
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This oddly reminds me of when I’m in the bathroom and I have one cat in the tub and one cat on the other side of the closed door and cat 2 slides paws under door and through the crack in the door while cat 1 tries to bat away cat 2’s paws.
I do love this scene though. The descriptions are great and the action is good and quick. It definitely keeps my attention.
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LOL Well, not quite the image I was going for, but I can see the similarities. 🙂 I’m glad it kept your attention at least, even if it did bring to mind cute, chiefly kitties instead of bone crunching monsters. 😉
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*cuddly Forgot to double check the swipe writing again.
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My vote was for one, just because it seemed a lot more suspenseful. This was way more action-y. So, I think it really just depends on which mood you’d rather create – creepy, scary buildup, or a whole lotta potential butt-kicking (or wall smashing, or toy playing, or what have you)
Regardless, that grandma is funny. 🙂
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I like Grandma. She had a longer scene to begin with, but it didn’t help move the story, so out it went. 😦
I’ll have to think about which feeling would work better. So far, it seems most people like 1.0 better.
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Missed last week’s, so I read that scene plus the build-up. The build-up scene makes more sense in conjunction with version 2.0. I love the grandmother’s reaction and the toys bit, but at the same time, I like the first scene and the monsterlings and the grandma explaining what the claws were. Version 2.0 doesn’t explain that, and I love that bit. I want to mesh these two scenes together because they both have good elements. Alana is right, Version 2.0 is more action oriented while version 1.0 is more suspenseful. I like the action and its quick deflation, realizing these girls were scared and ready to defend something that Grandma was like ‘oh, whatever. Put those toys away and fix my wall!” Grandma is funny in both scenes.
So… aagh! is right. Mesh the monsterlings bit into the second version for explanation (even if it’s brief). That’s my suggestion.
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A mash-up, heh? Don’t make it too easy on me. 😉 This is proving to be more complicated than I anticipated. Thanks so much for going back and reading everything!!! I really appreciate that you were willing to take the time to do that.
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Not a problem! You’ve taken the time for me 🙂
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